My full-time job is working for a Christian missions organization. My passion project is this: Missionary Yogi — bridging the gap between the Church community and the yoga community. It’s a lofty goal. It’s controversial. In just the last week, I found out that some close family members had serious issues with my commitment to “yoga as ministry” and were even considering withdrawing their financial support to the Christian ministry I work for because of it. Yikes.
I’ve always been somebody that pushes the envelope. A month ago I volunteered as a Trainer at World Race Training Camp. It was an intense experience. I felt like I was back on the World Race for 10 days. Which brought up all the good, bad, and ugly that that season was in my life.
One thing it brought up was this self-perception that “I’m a trouble maker.” That thought reaaaally bothered me. So much so, I found myself in tears explaining it to a Training Team Teammate in her car one morning. I know why it bothered me so much: it’s because for a lot of my life I found a part of my identity in being a good “bad-girl”. Growing up in Christian and then Catholic school, I didn’t run with the goody-goodies. I was always a part of the party-crowd. But I was in Honors classes and excelled in my academics, sports, and extra-curricular activities. On the World Race — a pretty radical Christian missions trip not for the faint of faith — I was one of the girls with a speckled past and relished in being able to answer questions about boys, marijuana, and getting drunk from my more innocent teammates.
When I got engaged to marry my husband, the son of the founder of said Christian missions organization, I felt the weight of my ‘trouble-maker’ identity issue. When talking through this delicate topic with a mentor, she commented “…you don’t want to be the one to embarrass that family.” Of course, she didn’t mean to shame me, but for someone with issues (like I clearly had), it definitely left a mark. Who wants to shame their future family? This self-perception issue also left me in tears at the end of my wedding rehearsal dinner, because my crazy college besties decided to use their time on the microphone to make jokes about me always being late to social events — while Seth’s friends gave toasts about Seth’s character, loyalty, and all-around-awesomeness. There I was ’embarrassing myself’ to my new family. Yuck.
Of course, I worked through a lot of this with Seth in our pre-marital counseling, in tough talks with close friends, and long conversations on the couch of my last single-life apartment. Seth assured me that I was exactly who he wanted to marry, that he didn’t wish I had made different decisions (because they made me who I am), and he assured me that his life needed the color and flare I would bring. Haha.
So, why 4 years post-Race and 3 years into my marriage was I crying about it while serving on a Training Team?
Well, because there are always new levels of our identity to unpack and walk out. And as we step into new seasons, God allows us to learn a little more about who we are designed to be.
I sat with the Lord and asked about this whole ‘trouble maker’ thing. And you know what He said?
“Jesus was a trouble maker.”
Jesus came into the picture and stiiiiiirrred the pot. He pushed the envelope, broke the rules, and pissed people off. God assured me that He designed and wired me to innovate, to create, to question the status-quo. And so in order to do that, I need to be OK with causing a little trouble sometimes. In my immaturity, I used this natural wiring to satisfy my flesh and my ego. But now as I (attempt) to walk out maturity, this wiring allows God to use me in some envelope-pushing realms of His work. Like yoga as ministry.
When people ask goofy self-reflection questions like, “If you were a color, what color would you be?”
My answer is “Tie–dye.”
I feel like I am a vibrant mix of color and I want to stain everything I touch — not to be blemished, but to be brighter and a little more wild. I used to live out my tie-dye nature in smoking pot and rallying people to let loose and party. Now I live out my tie-dye nature in teaching yoga and rallying people to be authentic and passionate and join causes worth fighting for. Same, same, but different. Same, same, but BETTER.
That’s what Jesus does in a situation like sifting out your identity and purpose, He comes in, tweaks it, and to makes it better, richer, healthier, and more meaningful.
What part of YOUR identity do you wonder about sometimes?
Here’s a good indicator: when you get disproportionally offended or thrown into a mental-tailspin from a comment (Ex: “you’re a trouble maker” or “you’re a hot mess” or “what are you even doing?” or “FILL IN THE BLANK” statement), it could be because it’s poking at your identity issues. You know you have a wound when what should feel like a paper cut feels like a stab.
How has God redeemed or tweaked that part of your identity to use for His purposes?
Or how would you like Him to?
I’d love to hear from you!
And PS- there’s a Part 2 of this post coming next week 😉